Find Me in Here. Esther's improvs
I improvised, the dancers got what they could, and then put it all together in a short sequence.
Here's what they ended up with, enjoy!
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Find Me in Here. The Big Picture.
What is the big picture for this dance? I think I am starting to see it.
First, my “exploration” into names is going to fall by the way side for now. I am interested in names in either a one-dimensional or singularly personal way, neither of which is useful for this process. I haven’t been as eager as I anticipated to figure out how or why names work into my investigation of individual, group, and identity. Perhaps because what I believe is that they are part of our identity and for me, that’s simply enough right now.
I do think I will have everyone wear name tags, though. Audience, too.
The objective in my Big Picture is to see the girls (the dancers) as a group and as individuals –letting one experience of them color the other. Perhaps show them as a group, then as individuals, then again as a group? Or I-G-I? Or simply I-G?
We will try on these ideas and see what sparks more ideas and what just falls flat or feels hokey.
More on the Big Picture as it forms.
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MMeO. Haircut, follow up.
So far, I am not sure how people are treating me any differently, but I am also "undergroomed" today (so much for two weeks of high maintenance - blow drying sucks). Having the support of friends and including other people in this process has helped with any potential worries or insecurity.
On the other hand, I
do feel different.
I feel younger, but older. Stuffier (I see where the cut looks cute, but it's a little softer than I would normally do.) A little freer, and also a little lost. I keep noticing my hair - although I also noticed it when it was long, I was self conscious of it getting in the way. This is somewhat more manageable.
I am going to buy a round brush and I see what I can do with that.
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Find Me in Here. individual group identity. 2
Here I asked the dancers to choose their own order to run through the different phrases from the day. It gets a bit messy after a bit, but nonetheless I enjoy the co-habitation of space and purpose.
It was straight up fun learning each other’s movement and (for me) seeing it on new bodies - seeing the differences in how we perform in our bodies. Those are differences I want to keep.
I also have to admit it was a thrill seeing my little segment performed by everyone else. Perhaps because I feel empowered to be critical of my own movement where I am precious with the dancers’s movements. I need to remember that I can mess with their segments, work with their movement choices, cut things out and add things in. Creating a bit more give and take to make the creative collaboration richer for all of us.
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Find Me in Here. Group Dance 1.
Today I asked the dancers to create movement from the experience of themselves as individuals in a group. Everyone learned at least part of everyone else’s phrase, and this video shows the group performing all the phrases together.
More thoughts with the next video post…
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Find Me in Here. Chelsea on "Group Dance 1."
When Esther asked us to think about our role in groups, I realized that I am always the loud, outspoken, or “noticed” person within any group. It is not a conscious, attention-seeking kind of being noticed, I am just naturally not afraid to speak up or put my ideas on the table. I can be frank, have big ideas, some small ones, move big, take up space but never mean to exclude anyone or overshadow them. So that is the way I made my phrase, a big, moving, limb-filled phrase that ended with a theme of stepping on other peoples toes, ideas or creative input.
Learning the individual phrases, I started to understand the new people in my creative circle and how differently we move. In general, we are all trained dancers and quickly picked up the movement from one another but the way it felt in my body was so different. I think it was, Hiaso-Wei’s (sorry) phrase that gave me the most trouble. Her long sweeping arm motions with arching backs were so beautiful on her body. The intention was in her and it looked like the movement made sense. In my body, the movement made me feel like an old, ungrounded lady just trying to make it through the phrase. Over time, I know that I will adopt meaning and intention in others’ movement but for the moment, I was trying to remember the phrases knowing we would put them together at the end of rehearsal.
Also, this disconnect from the movement might be a reflection of Esther’s creative disconnect with the phrases she is shaping/choreographing. If we can establish the “group” first, we might have more strength as individuals, which was something I felt we started to get to at the end of the last rehearsal learning Anna’s phrase. There was a nice sense of the group when we repeated it earlier today.
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MMeO. The Haircut.
Please note: video from this session is forthcoming!
Thomas of
Salon Gio was great.
I asked for the professional advice and he offered it - with options. I got the haircut that he wanted for me and I do like it. It certainly feels different. The trick is going to be trying to maintain his styling work so that I keep this look - to see how it really feels to wear this haircut daily.
I'll give myself two weeks of high maintenance and see where I end up.
Oddly enough, on day one, I am mostly excited. What worries me most is not what my friends will think, but the reactions of people whose opinions or judgment of me I do not want (which is again about controlling who gets close to me). Also I am curious if I will be able to perceive a different reaction from new strangers I meet.
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Pre+post haircut.
Here is a short introduction to the project, and my before and after shot.
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MMeO. My self-examination, question 5.
5. So, what is the discrepancy (between #2 + #3)?
The biggest one is that I feel messy and others see me as clean + orderly.
I would like to feel clean and smooth. I would like to look like I know what I am doing... "sophisticated."
Do I really want to
look "sophisticated"? Regardless of whether I
am or not?
What is sophistication?
Isn't it accord with being and seeming? What does it mean to seem? We read each other through our appearance - even after we know each other.
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MMeO. My self-examination, question 4.
4. What do I want to change about the discrepancy (between #2 + #3)?When I started this project, I was secretly excited at the prospect of changing my self-image for the better. Key to this, however, is
change. And I'm discovering that while there are things about myself that I wish were different, I'm not all-too-comfortable with the idea of changing. As I keep growing (up), I know myself better and better. And so for "better or worse," I am familiar to me. And while my appearance still feels out of sync with who I am, I am starting to be familiar with that as well - with the relationship between how I look and how I feel in my body, a relationship that is largely discordant. Or maybe it's that I don't want to face that disappointment every day - disappointment in my actions as much as my "fate" (or genetics) - and facing myself in the mirror every day is the sharpest reminder of that... right?
What kinds of mirrors are there? Can I break down my discomfort with facing myself? Or is it easier to continue living with the familiar sensations of disappointment rather than risk changing into someone that I don't know yet? What if that will be worse? Is this more about how I will deal with the confusion of a
new discord?
Does my appearance have that much power to change me?
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MMeO. My self-examination, question 3.
3. How do I think others see me?I really don't know. What they've
told me includes: decided, neat,
very organized, highly particular, beautiful, "hot," not "hot," athletic, practical, smart, controlling, theoretical/philosophical, a beautiful dancer, a smart dancer...
What I suspect they're not saying is: not such a great dancer, not a versatile dancer (which is true), not really pretty, bossy, mean (well, some
have said that), ego-centric, selfish, confusing, kinda plump, kinda fit, not in shape, evasive, can't take a joke, no sarcasm allowed here.
I would love to know for real.
Labels: MMeO
MMeO. My self-examination, question 2.
2. Who do I strive to be?Do I strive to be different than I am? Is this question the same as "who do I want to be?" Not really. Because I'm not sure I
want to be any different - well, to be someone
else.
I do wish I weren't soft in my belly + thighs, but, at least as far as the latter goes, I'm not sure I would recognize myself without them. I do not like change in routine but I have learned to accept it and grow with it.
But I do strive to be less messy. I try to organize, to pick out new clothing that fits (it really isn't that easy), to get rid of things I don't like wearing. I try to embrace new fashions, but it doesn't usually work out very well.
I strive to give in to how I feel. I also strive to control how I feel with to-do lists and things for which to be responsible.
I strive to live up to my leadership roles. I strive to be more kind - but not hard enough.
My appearance is fairly consistent. I'm not sure whether or not I work at that.
I try to be comfortable in body so I can be productive in body + mind.
I strive to be clear, but I really enjoy being "cryptic" because it makes me eccentric or/and special - it means you have to know me to understand me, to "get" me.
I do not strive to be an open book. But I do strive to be in control of sharing myself with others - I try not to be protective, which is hard.
Labels: MMeO
MMeO. My self-examination, question 1.
This post is in response to
5 questions I set up for myself to answer.
1. My perception of who I amI am not the cool kid. But already my terms are external. In plain words, I think I am messy (not my behaviour, me/my appearance). I
hate messy. Stylish messy is okay - carefully placed chaos. But that is not me. I like clean and I try to be clean and instead I feel messy.
I feel messy because I have to carry 2 bags - or 1 bag that is too heavy for me. I feel messy because I have to wear a winter coat and it looks bulky. My hat, too. I feel messy because my hair never does what I want it to - and if it comes close, I have to stay immobile to keep it.
I think my thin, pale skin is messy. I think my extra fat, my soft belly and dimply thighs, is messy. My ready sweat glands are messy. I know my overeating and rapid eating are messy, but food just tastes better if you eat like you mean it!
I think my actions are occasionally smooth - those that I must recreate regularly, and only some of them. I can carry myself well for about 30s. More than that, but it always takes effort. Most of the time I feel my body is sloppy in its movements. I feel unorganized. I feel lost in a sea of choices. I am very scattered.
I have learned to say that I am one thing (because others tell me so) - like being organized, neat, decided, forceful in my opinions - but I do not see that about myself. I feel indecisive, scattered, wishy-washy. I may
sound decisive but I cannot commit to my made-up mind. Maybe because it is all make believe?
That's what's more: I start things and I do not finish them. What does this say about me? A truth that I know. I prefer questions to answers, possiblities to discovery, process to product, work to happiness. I like to be doing things. I don't like being tired (unless I can go to sleep, which I always feel guilty about: should I be working more?).
Does the above answer
who I am?
What does it mean to
be someone? Are there any facts?
I feel taller than I look. I have proportionately short legs. I have "small" breasts. I like them until I go shopping. (Dresses are really hard to find.) I take that back - I like that they are small and do not "get in the way" when I am dancing. I do not like their appearance because I think they look premature, childish.
I think I look like a young girl. I feel like a young girl sometimes. I feel assertive and adult at other times, like when I am telling someone "how it is" and when I think I am "right" about something.
I am
thoroughly disappointed that "being an adult" is NOT as glamorous and "cool" as I thought it would be. It isn't as independent as I wanted. I
am independent. I am not independent. I do not like being dependent.
What else goes into who I am?
Who am I?
I am a woman, a girl. I am happiest in "dance pants." I do not like my image because it is not pleasing to me. Is it also because I do not like myself? Do I think my image is so very different from who I am?
Yes. I am sensitive to
cool. I love beauty and I feel things. I am expressive. I am clear, but many people don't understand me. I can be someone else. Can't I?
Do I wan't to be someone else?
I am negative. It is rare that anything is "good enough" to truly satisfy my love of beauty and "perfection."
I do love fantasy - just the kind in my head, not the otherworldly kind.
What is in my head? A vision of wholeness?
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Find Me in Here. Anna on "name dance 1."
Making dance. The process. Decisions. Construction zone. Change. Stay the same. Formation. Re-formation. Slower. No faster. Not slower yet make longer. Bounce. Pathways. Timing. Speak. Now? Ok. Teach this. Know this to teach this. Can you travel that? Watch and find. Fuck missed it. Go back to the other way. Groups. Intentional groups. Make it intentional. Try this. Nope. Play with this. Do I like this? Does she like this. Information. Angles. Four angles. Infinite angles. Stand over there. Solo. Yes. No. That’s when you go. Shaking, both ways are shaking. Laugh. I’m interested in adding sound. Breathe. Catch your breath breathe. Is anyone else out of breath? Bite now. Wait for it. Ok now. Shit that was when i was supposed to say it. Missed it. I’ll look for it. Didn’t. Flat stay flat. Reverberation. Yea there is. Break. Discuss. I can listen for it. I can do it. No. Not even. Balanced. Slide through. The leg that’s back. Right leg. Stop and wait. Don’t mix them up. Shit which one is she. Pause here. Nose. Poke it. That’s about my lil sis. She forgot to pat. She forgot again. Kiss louder. Catch on. All the sudden I noticed you over there. Shit, lightheaded. Shoulda eaten the whole breakfast bar. Don’t like it. Change it. Interesting. Good. We’ll see if it stays. That’s the cue. More center. Step this way. Change directions. Remember the audience. Ass in the face. Laughing. I feel silly today. Shake, step. Yes no. Different facing. Face front. Shit face front. I like that part. Cool idea. Wait till she walks. One more time. I’ll play with it. Go through them. Weave. Let’s do it again. Say it all together. One person responsible at a time. Building. Don’t do it the first time. I’ll be reaching over your head. Don’t be scared. Did I miss it? Did we do it that time. Slide this way. Oops. Wait for her to get up. Take it off of her. Wait. When she stops. Ok. We’re done. Don’t forget it all before next week.
Labels: FMiH
Find Me in Here. name dance 1.
Using the material the dancers created the week before, I set this 5-min segment, largely just to explore the process of crafting a work out of their movement.
It was challenging to insert my own creative voice into the dancers’ work - or rather, it was difficult to see my own creation within their movement. I enjoyed working as an editor, but I didn’t feel much of a connection to what I was making. I was making compositional choices rather than emotional or exploratory choices, and generally my work is more of a blend of all of these. But I have to remind myself that the sketches of movement that the dancers created were “simple” reponses isolated from one another, and that the questions I put to them* are still just questions for me. Starting points without a strong feeling of an answer. It was an odd experience, “creating” something to which I had no deep attachment.
* I asked the dancers to create movement in response to: “Do I like my name?” and “Does my name represent me? Is it me?”
Next week: I will continue working with what we have built, trying to find more questions within the questions to spark some emotional charge from the choreographic sketch.
Homework: We’ll try to hash out what we’ve uncovered about our different relationships to our names and our identities.
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Find Me in Here. Lydia on "do i like my name?"
At first when Esther posed the question “do you like your name?” I thought, yes, of course. I like that it is 3 syllables, I like that my parents got in from Jane Austen, I like the Marx Brothers’ “Lydia the Tattooed Lady” song. I started to make my phrase as an emotional response to these images. But during this process I remembered a time when I didn’t like my name–it was the first day of a new grade in elementary school. The gym teacher was taking roll call and taking note of any nicknames–Roberts that went by Bob or Stephanies that went by Steph. In the spirit of starting things afresh, I decided that I wanted a nickname, and when the gym teacher called me I announced that I would go by Elizabeth. (At the time, the name Elizabeth seemed vaguely related to Lydia, if not exactly a shortened form.) I was greeted by laughter from the teacher and students, a harsh reminder that just because it was a new school year didn’t mean I could take on a new identity.
It’s difficult for me to translate these memories into movement but I am eager to continue working like this. I find that my default is to turn to a more theatrical response but I’d like to challenge myself not to feel limited by theatricality. It might help me to let go of the idea that I need to be literal–even if I were to simply make a phrase while pondering these questions, the questions would find a way to make themselves known.
Labels: FMiH
Find Me in Here. do i like my name?
Today I asked the dancers to respond to the question “Do I like my name” in choreographed movement. This was followed by working out responses to “Does my name represent me? Is it me?”
Here I had them perform their 2nd response in a straight line across the stage á la A Chorus Line.
I checked in to find out how they interpreted “name” - first, last? Written/visual or spoken/aural? Most of us were working with our first name (and Anna chose to use her middle name) and connected to them through their function as interpeters between us and the rest of the world, remembering back to childhood as easily as yesterday.
Next week: I take what the dancers have created and craft it into a short dance — a trial run at the choreographic process I’m using for this piece.
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